Life!

They're dropping off like flies. 

I feel like I'm losing all my friends, and I simply don't know what to do about it. 
I really like my friends, and I thought that they really liked me.  And it's just one of those double-edged swords kind of situations.  If I just be honest, which is my nature, and tell some of them that I feel like I haven't heard from them in a while and just wanted to make sure everything was ok, then I risk freaking someone out.  
Some ppl just don't have experience with friends just up and leaving them, and don't understand the importance of even somewhat awkward communication with this.  Or understand how much it means to have friends that you can trust.  I feel like I have so few of those, and it really does just break my heart. 

Maybe I should just move.  Sod them all, and move on.  And you can't force it.  If you love something, let it go.  if it comes back, then you know.   But how can you just let someone that you care so much about just slip through your fingers.  You see it happening, and you're supposed to just let it happen?  Just let them get out of your lives?  And if that's the situation, then how is it possible that I don't know any other people?   I really thought these were the good people who stuck with others when times were tough.  These were the ppl who stuck with me during my weirdest, most odd drunken times.  And now, all of a sudden, they're just idly separating themselves from me?  Not even giving me a chance?  Seriously...how much does that SUCK???

A LOT.  And I just feel so alone, and unwanted.  I just wish there was some way to know what exactly was wrong with me, and find a way to fix it.  But I guess all I can do is wait, and pray.  And try to love as much as I can, despite everything else.  And just keep trying.  With these friends, if I can, or with new people.  What choice do I have? 

Pray for me, if you can...

I wish that you wanted to tell me things.  I wish that you were supportive of what I wanted, and understanding of my dreams.  I wish that you tried to be nice to me like you are with EVERYONE else.  I wish that you would stop taking all of your problems out on me.  I wish that you would talk to me with love and compassion instead of with the snippy afterthoughts of your rough and tumble day.  I wish I had someone here who wanted good for me, who helped me be my best self instead of making me feel so afraid and unworthy.  If you love me, I wish you would show it.  I wish you would share your problems with me, instead of taking them out on me.  I wish you would let me in. 

But too much has happened.  Too many secrets have been kept between us, too many silences maintained before us.  Too many fights, too many fears.  Too many judgments and cruel taunts.  We are at an impasse.  I won't share with you unless I can trust you, and you won't share with me unless you trust me.  I don't know why you don't trust me, and maybe you don't know why I don't trust you.  But you judge everything.  I share, and you tell me 10 things wrong with my life in as few biting words as possible.  Your ability to manipulate me and degrade me leaves me in fear of you, and without any ability to give to you what I have given to others who haven't known me for even a quarter as long as you have.  Your hearing is too good, and you see too much.  And you judge it all.  Telling me with your expression and your body language how much below you my life is.  How I do everything wrong, and how I should do it better.  

I see things differently.  We are similar, but very different people.  I want my life to be different from yours.  You don't recycle, only pretend to.  You believe in big business and capitalism.  I believe in compassion and home grown health.  You resent my attempts to lose weight and get jealous for reasons I cannot fathom.  Why are you jealous of me?  What the hell do you see in my life that is worth being jealous over?  I am unemployed, permanently single, constantly in and out bouts of depression.  I have a strange ADD and an addition to strange foods.  I'm too loud, and fatter than I can sometimes believe--although not morbidly obese, I suppose.  But I wish that she would tell me.  I wish that she would say: "I'm getting married, and I'm scared.  There's too much to do, I can't do it all even though I want to, and I don't know what to do.  I will be someone's wife, and it scares the hell out of me."  But she doesn't, and I'm too afraid of her often overreactive responses (something which we share, I might add) to bring it up.  To offer my help.  It doesn't seem that she would want it.  But sometimes I think she would.  I guess she just doesn't like me very much, and I wish she did.  I want her approval--she, whom everyone adores, I want her to love me.  I want her to love being around me.  I want her to see who I am and think it's great.  But she doesn't.  She doesn't see who I am inside, and doesn't like what she sees on the outside.  And I don't know what to do about it.  

Is all lost?  Can anything be changed?  Can we do therapy without her blaming her entire life's problems on me?  Who knows. 

Dear unkind sir,

I wish you knew and understood how amazing I am.  I wish you could comprehend how perfect we would be together, either as friends or as more.  I wish you could get it through your thick male skull that you are an idiot for not going out with me, either as a date, or as just hang time with a buddy.  I am a GREAT friend.  I am dependable and loyal, when deserved, I defend my friends and love them.  I do my best to keep up with them and try to always be more than just a "fair-weather friend".  I try to give as much as I take, and always have good stories to offer.  I miss you when you're gone, if you're lucky enough to be my friend, and I try to listen to all your problems and help you solve them.  If asked, I would come at 3am when i have a 6am meeting to help you with something.  I'm fun and interesting, odd and loving.  I am a really remarkable and unique person.  And honestly, it's getting to be quite shocking that this has not occurred to you.  I really and truly am having a hard time believing that you do not see this.  We would be great friends!  We could contribute to each others' lives in unimaginable ways and be the best together.  If only you would let me in.  

If only you would let me in, we could have also been a great couple.  But you're a jackass, and my amazingness takes a little time to reveal itself.  At first I'm completely mad, and then it all makes sense.  If you had only waited!  If you had only taken the time to get to know me, to begin to understand all that there is about me, you could have had one of the most rewarding experiences of your life: being with me.  I have such a great capacity for love, such a brilliant openness to what anyone can give me, to what I can give to the world, and you will never know.   Because you have decided to be selfish.  Because you have seen that I'm a bit odd, maybe more than a little inexperienced, and have decided that you are better than me.  That you deserve better than someone who has more heart, soul, and spirit than you can handle.  Or maybe you saw that--maybe you began to understand that this stupendous woman was simply too much for you.  I don't know.  I don't have the answer.  

But I do know that you're a coward.  You avoid direct questions, play hard to get when you really just mean no.  You lead me on, pretending that you are interested in spending time with me in some capacity when obviously you are not.  And although I will always respond to your messages, although I will always kindly continue our almost half-friendship, I will know.  I will know that you have convinced yourself that you have appeased me.  That you don't have the balls to just come out and say what you really mean, and what you really feel.  And I will always, always know that you are simply a pompous good-for-nothing.  

If you weren't, you would go to a movie with me.  Even if it's just as friends. 

I hate it when you find someone.  A great friend, a great companion, someone who wants to share your life...and then something happens.  You interact in different conditions than you normally do.  Or someone moves, or something changes, and the relationship changes.  Suddenly this wonderful companionship that you had enjoy and depended on has completely transferred itself to some other relationship.  And what I hate, what I really, really HATE is when that other person is simply unwilling to get through the tough part.  

Guess what people, LIFE IS HARD!!!!  it's not easy or simple or black and white.  People change, relationships change, and sometimes you have to find a way to CHANGE WITH THEM.  Now, I know it's not easy.  And I know that it can be easier to just let the relationship go, to let that great friendship slowly drift to meaninglessness, but isn't it so much better to keep the relationship?  isn't it so much more fun to stick together through the awkwardness, through a little tension, and see what's on the other side? 

how do other people think this way?  how can someone that has been a part of your life every single day for five years just decide that you're different, and had a fight about it, so it's just not worth being friends anymore?  how can someone be so hateful as to just decide that you are not worth even TRYING for.  and it's not a lot.  a phone call a day, just to say hi.  just to talk about nothing until you find something to talk about again.  what is so HARD about that????  and how can someone be so weak and such a coward as to not even TRY. 

I may never understand that.  If someone can explain it to me, I would really appreciate it. 

Well, kids...I am done with Undergraduate Education.  I have finished my exams, walked the stage, and soon I will have a Bachelor's of Individualized Studies. 
As usual for me, I am nostalgic.  First of all, I really cannot believe that I have graduated.  I am no longer a student.  of course, I plan on going to film school after this, etc etc, but i still simply cannot believe that all that work is simply...over. 

i look at all the notes and books that have piled up.  hundreds and hundreds of pages to ace an exam, to figure out a concept, work on a hypothesis.  you understand the material, explain it to someone else...and move on.  it's the way of the world, i know, but i still can't quite believe it.  other friends still have exams, but only a few truly understand how strange it is, and i don't think anyone really can understand how i feel right now. 
after Breck, after Principia and the U and Bologna.  This is what it all comes down to.  and strangely enough, it just ends.  no hoopla (mostly because i graduated in december, the day before an exam), no fanfare, no nothing.  all that work, and then it's just.....over.  and all that's left is notes, memories, and an unofficial transcript to prove it.  i thought i would be joyful, thankful, delighted to be done and over with, and to have all of my schoolwork behind me.  but now all that's left is finding a job, getting a "real" life and becoming a loser just like everyone else.  there's no prize at the end, no glory waiting for you.  this is what everyone does, and now you just have to move on.  go to the next thing. 
everyone keeps asking me what i want to do.  what are you going to do now???  i know what i want to do, where i want to go, but how do i get there?  how do i get from this place to the next.  How do i take the next step, and when?  and how the HELL do i avoid all the people who keep demanding for information.  of course, i can't stop my mother from telling everyone.  and what.  i tell them i want to be a producer?  i want to make films with a social message so that the marginalized members of society (aka anyone not white or male) can finally MAYBE catch a break?  and then what.  what happens when i fail?  what happens when i fall flat on my face and the entire thing blows up before me, after all this work.  what if, after all this promise as a good student and everything, i turn into nothing.  i completely fail. 
or even worse, what happens if i am nothing but adequate.  that, to me, is death.  normalcy.  the colonial with the colly.  seriously...who wants that?  i want to travel the world and make a difference.  i want people to respect me, and look at me with admiration....and not be my high school students.  i want to live a life without morgages (who stays long enough to not rent?), i want to live life on the edge and take chances, live adventures, live for today because who knows what tomorrow will bring, and all that crap. 
i do NOT want to get married, push out a couple of kids, and call it a life.  i want MORE than that.  i want to be revered.  i want to be known and understood.  i want to be someone important who knows how to play with the big dogs.  i want to BE a big dog.  but most of all, at this moment, i want everyone to STOP pretending to congratulate me when they're only making themselves look better by proving that THEY have a job and I do not!  that is not nice, people, so cut it out! 
i have to go, now.  i have to move back into my parents' house.  long live the queen. 

why am i addicted?  i'm not doing anything interesting, anything of value, or anything fun.  I'm not working, not studying, not planning and producing.  i'm just clicking along online, completely unable to make myself go to sleep. 

you know what i think it is???  ANOTHER DAY HAS PASSED.  and i resent it.  i resent that another day has gone by, i am one day older, my life is one day shorter, and now i have another one to look forward to.  have you noticed how fast these freaking things go by?  and they accumulate like CRAZY.  you don't even really think about it, and then BOOM.  a month has passed.  and then it's christmas again, and then new years, and then another year  has passed in your life.  and if i go to bed, the day is over.  and soon my life will be over, and i will have accomplished nothing.  i will have done nothing with it. 
do you remember when you were in high school, and you were just BEGGING for the days to pass?  please, God, let this part be over so i can get to the good part.  well...now i AM in the good part!  and i don't want the days to end.  i don't want my life to pass me by.  I want to go back to 19 and start it over again.  i want to know then what i know now.  and i want to stop sounding like a cliche, because i'm starting to sound really, really old. 

well, guys, another day has passed, and i guess i have to go to bed. 
"so young, and already so many regrets!  get over it!" -Karin Lindquist

SO.....my first class of the day was canceled.  and i know that SEEMS like good news, but i was already awake and trying to make it on time..and it was canceled.  boo!!!  not fun, and not fair.  but whatever.  i didn't finish the book we were going to talk about today, so that's cool, too.  blurgh. 
and now i have to try and find a JOB!!!!  no fun at all. 

If you know me at all, which really only applies to Lesley and Heidi as far as I know, then you know that I injured my back a couple of weeks ago, and was completely laid up with back pain, an inability to exercise, and was visiting a physical therapist. 

Well!  Today, my lovely physical therapist Jamie said that I can RETURN TO NORMAL!!!  he's very impressed with my work on it (my mom prayed, i determinedly did my exercises), and that i could go back to things as i wished to!!!!  I'm mostly excited about this, because suddenly very recently I have had so much energy it is literally coming out of me in waves.  It's like I'm caffeinated, but with no caffeine.  it's very strange, and a bit scary.  I'm actually shaking with all the energy i have clamoring around me, and have NO idea what to do about it!  it's driving me crazy.  but ANYWAY, i'm glad t hear that I can get back to everything normal, because it means that I can finally get all that energy to something.  So far, however, it's made me a very happy girl. 

I don't know who sent all these endorphins...but i'll sign for them!!

posy a response!  I get sad when I don't see any. 

So, apparently,  I didn't wait long enough, because the ban on gay marriage in Cali was approved.  It is out of the constitution, they can no longer get married, and who knows if the marriages that have happened in the recent months are valid or not. 

I am so sad, I can hardly speak.  I am angry at people who think that someone else's marriage determines society, or that having a loving commitment that is the same as their own except for the gender between the two people.  I hate that there are religious people who have decided that their own opinions on the religious role of our society should dictate how another person loves someone. 
Those people have decided that a gay person does not deserve to visit their loved one in a hospital.  They have decided that they do not deserve to love and hate as much as i can, and that they are not worthy to tell their love to the world in the way that I can.  Does it break your heart like it breaks mine?  That people can believe that a marriage based on love and understanding is a break down of society simply because they are both the same gender? 

Let me ask you something: how good is hetero marriage.  Seriously?  Britney Spears comes to mind, along with about five billion other celebrities that have married, and divorced, and married again, and divorced.  Marriages that end in divorce, and thus caused the complete psychological destruction of their children.  And yet, gay people who love each other, and have been together for 25 years yet unable to marry, and don't even want to have children, are told that they are going to take down society.  They, because they are two men instead of man and woman, are going to be the destruction of society.  NO!!!  Not that broken home completely torn apart by infidelity or simply hatred, but the one solid relationship that simply has an alternate gender composition.  THESE are the people who are going to tear society apart.  NOT Bush and his economy, NOT high gas prices and almost unaffordable food, NOT hatred and spite and war and fights and greed and big business.  NO.  It is gay marriage.  That is what is really going to tear America apart--two people who love each other coming together to legally bind themselves in a union that lasts as long as they want it to.  

God knows it's SO GREAT with straight people, the GAY PEOPLE will tear it apart.  ARE YOU PEOPLE INSANE?????  And if a prince wants to marry another prince--let him!  He should be free to love whoever he wants to, but BELIEVE ME, if he's a prince, he's been hiding in the closet is WHOLE LIFE, and probably isn't coming our for another two decades.  AT LEAST! 
Judgy, judgy people.  I just hope that one day they realize what a big mistake they made, and how many people were hurt.  Broken hearts are strewn along the streets, as we mourn the loss of freedom to love, and be loved in return.  Do you know how rare that is?  I  will probably never find it, which I recently realized, and guess what kids....not everyone gets it.  These people have found it, and kept it, and kept it going, and kept it strong despite all the adversity in the world against them.  And you won't let them see each other in a hospital emergency.  NICE.  way to be Christian, assholes. 

Whew!  That was a good rant! 

Obama will be our president, and gay people can get married in California.  I've never been happier.  At last!!!  Finally, finally, finally.  I'm crying for God's sake!

Well, kids....you did good.  We got it done.  Everyone went out, everyone voted, and now we have a new president.  Who knows if he can really change anything, who knows if anyone could at this point.  But he believes  that he can, and I believe in him. 

And no more baby boomers!  FINALLY those nuts aren't running our lives.  Craziness! 

and gay ppl can get married in California.  They DEFEATED the amendment against same-sex marriage.  so THANK YOU california.  According to CNN, it was mostly due to first-time voters.  So if you're in Cali, and you voted NO, then THANK YOU.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting people love each other freely. 
Do you remember, in history, when they told you about the first states to allow the woman's right to vote?  And how it took SO LONG to get the other states to agree?  CALIFORNIA is now one of those states.  one of the states that is getting in line, and making changes to move with the culture.  THANK YOU., THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 

If I could kiss all of you right now, i SO WOULD!!!

Over this weekend, and today (monday), I was so.....self involved.  Always thinking about me, me, me. 
I had an epiphany that I felt the need to share with everyone: I will probably die alone, and I just have to live with that.  

But enough about that for now.  I've been sick, my back is finally FINALLY healing....and I'm SICK of myself!  I am boring.  My life is dull and I want to talk about someone else.  I want to help someone else.  I want to make someone's life better, instead of always focusing on how my life is worse.  

So....tell me about YOU.  and do you need a hug? 

I miss having people to count on, I miss having people to go  to when I'm sick.  I miss having a roommate that would listen to all my craziness, tell me that I'm crazy, and then love me anyway.  I miss that person, and I wish that she were talking to me.  I miss having a father that I could love and trust without concern.  I miss being younger.  I miss a life without real responsibilities, and I miss that time of my life when I didn't even know what stress really was...and I thought I was stressed all the time.  
I miss Carlo and I miss speaking Itanglish.  I miss Holly, and I wish she would tell me things.  I miss having friends who want to come to my birthday parties.  I miss knowing that I can count on these people, and I miss that feeling when you know that someone won't flake out on you just because it's hard, or their friend is depressed, or they got a bit busy.  I miss people other than my mom worrying about me.  I miss having fun and drinking and laughing and just having a grand old fime.  I miss Sandra and Stefie and Jess and the other Jess and my crazy, awful timem in Italy.  It was so horrible, and then it was so wonderful, and then everyone was gone and it was over.  

I miss when I was young and it didn't matter, really, that I was single.  I miss thinking that things would change, I miss being so young that you have all that time to change in.  I miss having people to talk to and people to trust.  I miss being healthy. 

I wish I knew what it was like to be fit, I wish i knew what it was like to be loved....love without having to wonder when the bottom will drop out.  When the other shoe drops.  When they finally lose interest and just don't call you back anymore.  I wish I knew what real friends were like.  I wish I knew what it was like to have friends like in "how I met your mother."  I wish I had my real father back, and i wish that I had someone like my sister has her fiancee.  I wish I didn't have a sore throat, and I wish I could go to my mommy for help.  I wish i knew how to grow up and i wish i knew how to get what I want out of life.  I wish i knew how to stop eating and eating and eating, and I wish i knew how to trust the world.  i wish i had someone to go to....and that it wasn't a therapist that i was paying.  i wish i knew how to make myself to go a counselor even though i know i need to.  i wish i knew how to get the help i need.  i wish i knew where i could go. 
i used to go to my mom, and i just can't go to her anymore.  because she will die one day, and then what will i do?  one day she will be gone, and i will have to take care of myself.  i wish i knew how to do that!!!!  she's my best friend, and sometimes she's all i have.  what the hell am i supposed to do with that?????  how can i let that go?  but i have to.  because otherwise, when she dies, i will have to kill myself because i will have no one else left who really loves me.  
i wish my dad loved us enough to stop what he was doing, even if it seems like something he has to do right now.  i wish he could see that his life is our lives, because that was the choice he made when he raised us.  i wish he'd never had a stroke and i wish he had never gotten polio.  i wish that my parents could just be old and sweet together, and not live in a sham of a marriage just because he needs her to get through every goddamn day, and she just doesn't know how else to llive, and can't divore a 78 yr old disabled man.  i wish there was a marriage fairy. 

and i wish more people understood the meaning of friendship. 

I started really reading the nutrition/fitness/vegan book Skinny Bitch today, and it has made today an interesting one. 

At first, with its detailed and hard-edged chapters on animal cruelty, chemical treatments, and all that other fun stuff, i was determined to be vegan--go veg or go home. 
But i've read some more, and i'm starting to see their bias.  it's a great book, very funny, very informative, and with a very interesting and different perspective than i've seen from other weight loss and nutrition books.  however, it's also very simplistic in its theories about actual weight loss, and more of a go-vegan book than a weight loss book.  however, it does make a lot of interesting comments on protein, dairy, and calcium.  I always thought they were all necessary--and i'm pretty sure they aren't. 
USDA and the FDA are also full of crap, which I always suspected, and are not to be trusted.  at all. 

final say (at this point...book still unfinished): no more red meat, no more pork.  but i think i'll stick to my poultry for the most part, trying to find chemical-free kinds, which i always try to eat.  organic food?  if i can find it, sure.  if i can't, too bad.  you can't expect those who can barely afford groceries to eat expensive organic food.  but i can afford it...so i'll give it my best.  will i lose weight?  i might.  i might not. 
what do i really want?  to be a better dancer, to get a few dates, and to be able to be lifted in a dance.  will semi-veganism help with this?  who knows!!  everyone may be full of it. 

although i always enjoy a good conspiracy theory.  have you ever seen that movie?  with mel gibson?  i actually think it's one of his best, altho i'm sure about 98% of movie goers would completely disagree. 

PS: chickpeas rock.  just a sidenote. 

We're learning about Native American traditions, healing, and community, and this is what one guy said:

"The spiritual thirst that is latent in everybody can never come to a place of fulfillment unless people begin to think of each other as potential brothers and sisters. Otherwise, they can never reach on the inside the same level of wealth that they've reached outside. "

I thought that was interesting, sad, and true.  We westerners are a little mixed-up, I think. 
And....AFRICA.  (if you know Dave Chapelle...you get that joke.  So probably no one does). 

Anyone want to do a free hug day with me???

So...avoiding homework as always  I found another set of videos about people with signs that say "FREE HUGS" and are giving hugs to anyone that wants one.  

I personally think that it would also be an interesting little study, to have two men, and then two women, and see who got the most hugs, and from whom.  If I had my way I would have six people total: three guys, two hugging with signs and one taping the process, and three girls in the same set-up.  Then, we would watch the tapes, count the huggers and identify their gender, and laugh and the hugging.  Doesn't that sound like a fun experiment?  

Anyway....
if you want to do some free hugging for a couple of hours or so, let me know!  we'll hug and have a blast--i will probably be filming as well. 

Comment comment comment away!

Because you know you love it.  HEIDI--this is for you. 

On 19th Century sexual relationships within marriage and the family:

"But it was also a network of pleasures and powers linked together at multiple points and according to transformable relationships.  The separation of grown-ups and children, the polarity established between the parents' bedroom and that of the children (it became the routine in the course of the century when working-class housing constructions was undertaken), the relative segregation of boys and girls, the strict instructions as to the care of nursing infants (maternal breast-feeding, hygiene), the attention focused on infantile sexuality, the supposed dangers of masturbation, the importance attached to puberty, the methods of surveillance suggested to parents, the exhortations, secrets and fears, the presence--both valued and feared--of servants: all this made the family, even when brought down to its smallest dimensions, a complicated network, saturated with multiple, fragmentary, and mobile sexualities.  To reduce them to the conjugal relationship, and then to project the latter, in the form of a forbidden desire, onto the children, cannot account for this apparatus which, in relation to these sexualities, was less a principle of inhibition than an inciting and multiplying mechanism." 

My personal favorite is "supposed dangers of masturbation", when it in fact is shown in studies to be healthy and necessary.  It makes me so sad that young catholic boys in the 19th Century were kept by guilt from their natural, healthy tendencies.  I mean, hello!  Testosterone peak.  (that one, Heidi, was also for you). 

Thanks for reading....and I hope Foucault turns you on, too. 

I never thought it would take this long for someone to be interested in me.  I never imagined, when i was 15 or 16 and wanted a boyfriend that at almost 24, I still wouldn't have one.  I always imagined that someone would have some interest by then. 
And there are extenuating circumstances...but I still feel lost when I think about it.  When I think of how long my life has been, and I realize that although I have changed in so many ways, my romantic life has barely changed at all. 
Still don't date, snog, or shag.  I guess I'm finally starting to really flirt, and it took me ages to get myself to any point where i felt that it was somehow worth my time to try and "go for it."  But still....nothing has happened. 
And I see these girls who are 18 or 19, and I feel like I'm still there when it comes to my love life.  In so many ways I'm still 18 and hoping that something will come along that works for me. 

I have learned a lot about relationships in the last few years, and I know that so much has changed in the last four for me, especially in this year abroad....but sometimes, late at night, I still feel like that girl in high school, hoping it will just somehow......happen.  Hoping that something will come along that works.  That fits.  Because that's really the whole thing: I've never met anyone that....fits. 

And I keep having all these sex dreams, which is really just driving me crazy, you know. 

I have just began to read the beginning of "History of Sexuality: An Introduction" by Michel Foucault, and just the first two pages are this intellectual diatribe about the transformation from 17th Century sexual freedom and Victorian secrecy...and of course, i'm turned on.  Something about complicated language analyzing sexual practices and their cultural significance just gets to me. 

Case in point:
"But have we not liberated ourselves from those two long centuries in which the history of sexuality must be seen first of all as the chronicle of an increasing repression?  Only to a slight extent, we are told.  Perhaps some progress was made by Freud, but with such circumspection, such medical prudence, a scientific guarantee of innocuousness, and so many precautions in order to contain everything, with no fear of 'overflow,' in that safest and most discrete of spaces, between the couch and discourse: yet another round of whispering on a bed." 

And so on and so forth.  Anyone else?  Anything?  Does it make you randy, baby, does it??  (10 points if you can name the movie...)

and that's all i've got. 

thanks for reading, and please comment!

So, the current Doctor, played by David Tennant, is hilarious.  He always finds some sort of dry or dark humor in every situation, no matter how seemingly dire.  Especially regarding the mysteries and inevitabilities of the universe. 

Case in point: discussion between a scientist at the end of the universe and The Doctor,
"every human knows what Utopia is, where have you been?"
"oh...i'm a bit of a hermit"
"a hermit...with friends?"
"hermits united...we meet up every ten years, tell stories about caves.  it's good fun!  for a hermit..."

so cheeky!  and so funny.  and  always at someone's expense.  always teasing others...which is great, because that's what the first doctor was like.  very rude to others, always knew what was best, and only until the third season did he start listening to others and taking their ideas.  and even then, only the men.  but it WAS 1963...

anyway, i just had to write it somewhere! 
if you love dr. who, holla back...

Um....the title says it all?

It's so funny to read my posts from when I was abroad, because it's so different to be back.  I've been back for over three weeks now, and I'm starting to get so easily sucked into my old life here.  Which I miss, but which I also feel lost in.  I hate the way Americans have no respect for the Italian culture and butcher that they blatantly steal, copy, and reproduce daily without taking even once second to see if a word is pronounced right or if a sentence even makes any sense--most of the time the answer is NO, btw. 

I'm also back fighting with my sister which is LOADS of fun, and having to deal with the random crap that gets thrown at me every day from my family.  But also having to deal with sudden loneliness.  It's hard for me to remember all the times I was incredibly lonely in Bologna, but they existed.  At least there I could plan trips.  Sometimes I wish I had stayed much, much longer and lived in London for a month or something and REALLY seen it and stayed in a flat and everything.  But that's not the way it happened, I guess. 

I also see mpls very differently.  things that were once totally normal seem completely strange--like driving everywhere, eg.  and i'm really starting to miss speaking italian.  i haven't spoken a word since i've been back.  i actually ran into someone who spoke italian the other day, and when he spoke it to me, all this italian flew out of my mouth like it had just been waiting to be used.  like in the back of my mind i was waiting to use it--i was expecting to have lost it, and found that I was just waiting to use it. 
I have a lot of free time, and no where to put my energy.  A friend suggested Habitat for Humanity, and i think i'll do it.  it gives me an opportunity to use my energy for good, etc etc. 

I also have my 5 yr reunion for high school coming up, and i'm pretty nervous about it.  i wasn't much in high school, and i feel like so much has changed--i want to show off.  i want to show them what i was capable of all along.  i want them to see someone different.  i hate, however, that i'm such a cliche about that.  it's so "romy and michelle."  i'm not lying or anything, i just want them to have a replaced idea in their minds of who exactly this woman is.  and maybe see how and why the way i was then was different than they thought.  it's stupid, but whatever.  at least i'm not one of the ones from my class that became a druggie--and with rich parents and trust funds there are PLENTY of those from my school, believe you me. 

i guess that's really all i have to say for now--it's pretty banal and stupid, but i hope someone pays attention.  if you read, comment!  i like to know who's out there!